I am an emotional writer. I feel the best words come from the rawest emotions. I can be an emotional person, too. And these are not always feelings I am proud of.
I can let things stew with me. I can be bogged down with all the ‘should haves’, ‘could haves’, ‘would haves’ of life. I still feel weight of mistakes and poor choices of my past. Being a perfectionist is not my ideal goal in life but it seems no matter how hard I try, it will be the forever shadow as I walk {and run} through my journey.
I care so much {maybe too much} about what people may think if I say this or write that. What if people judge me? What if they think I am a weird, stupid or bad person? What if I cause a misunderstanding? What will people say if they know about all the mistakes and the dumb decisions I have made? Will they like me less? Are people judging my poor grammar skills? Will my friends think differently about me if they see me in my darker moments? How much is too much when sharing? Sometimes these questions fuel my lack of decision making… Indecisiveness. Withdrawal. Detachment.
Back in high school I had a huge group of really awesome girlfriends. They were all talented, supportive, beautiful, and the boys wanted to date 99.9% more of them than me. I was the “friend” not usually the girlfriend. But I looked up to all those babes. I wanted learn their secrets and take their advice! How can I be like them!? And we use to play this game at sleepovers. This awful game. We would write a negative trait and a positive trait about each girl in the room on a piece of paper, fold them up and shake them in a bowl. Each of us would pick these papers out of the bowl and read them out loud for the group to hear what everyone thought about each other. There were long heart-to-heart conversations, tears and hugs, but most of all there was genuine honesty among a bunch of girlfriends learning how to cope with the brutality of adolescent life.
I often think about that game and wish I could make everyone tell me {honestly} what am I doing well and what do I need to work on to become a better person, to serve my friends and family more. I feel like that honesty was a highlight in my life. I trusted those girls and knowing that they were being true and heartfelt… It made me want to fix things about myself to become more likeable and a better friend to them. It gave me new perspectives on my actions. And made me realize that my {selfish} perspective on life really doesn’t matter if people believe differently about me than I do.
What writing has done for me is more than I would have expected when I started. It has become an open dialogue about experience, good, bad, ugly… You name it. It has brought honesty and opened more viewpoints than I would have imagined. I have been able to be exposed and free with my words, which unlocks the door for criticism and judgment. But the more I get people’s feedback, good and bad, the more I feel connected to the true heartbeats of others. I continue to write because I am listening. And I feel like I am changing.
One thing I have to constantly remind myself is, “What you don’t know, you don’t know.” Our perspectives are shaped by our personal beliefs we develop through our own personal experiences. Mine is very different than yours. And I don’t believe there is a hierarchy on anyone’s opinion but it does need to be understood that some perspectives will just be too distant to connect {insert strong debating opinions of Cincinnati Zoo incident here}.
Share your view. I am listening. I have graciously learned that if the person you are sharing with may have a different view, chances are, you will learn something that may change the way you look at things. And from my perspective, you wouldn’t want to miss it if it’s for your better.
Many Blessings and Cheers, Jax
à la optimism 