I feel rich. I feel full of life. I feel possibly the most motivated I have felt in a long time. My brain feels satisfied. My career feels like it is moving forward, in the right direction. I have a family vacation booked for less than a month away. The smell spring, new life, and longer days is so close I can touch it. I use to say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I can say there is no tunnel. My world is full of luster and hope. I still get my lows, hence the blank space between the last post and now. Things were written but I don’t see the need to share them quite yet. I don’t want to rain on any parades. I want to constantly remind myself that life is good. God is good. There is ALWAYS a rainbow after the storm; it’s up to me to find it. My heart has not felt this full in a long time, and it feels like new. That’s why I am telling you, people, I won the Powerball.
I have often thought during these last 18 months of waiting, that there has got to be a reason things are not happening the way I want them to. God knows best… maybe I am sick. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe someone I know is sick. Maybe Sal will need more attention than we know soon enough. Maybe something will happen and it will hit me in the face and I will say, “I get it – I know why I am not pregnant, yet!”
It happened.
I probably had one of my lowest lows in January with this whole baby{less} thing. Knowing that we were opening ourselves up to seeing the doctor and figuring things out… I was probably the most hopeful I had been in a while. Maybe because I was sure something was wrong, or maybe because we were finally able to see our favorite doctor in the history of doctors, the one that was with us for Sal’s pregnancy and delivery, but mostly because I thought I would get answers. I did get some answers, and they were great – for the most part, I am well. But of course, there are always more tests and more ways to see why… why no baby… and there will continue to be if we go down that route.
All in all, I felt good. I felt like this was THE month. And the red signal was late. So I REALLY thought: This. Was. The. Month. But then, the red signal came. And there was no baby. And frustration, to the max, swarmed over me.
We sat at my birthday dinner, just Tyler and I, looking at each other with wonder. What’s next? How far are we willing to go for this baby we don’t have yet? How much are we willing to spend? What are the extents that we will reach to make this happen? When is enough, enough? How much longer will we put life on “hold” for pregnancy and newborns stages? What emotional capacity do with have for this journey? What is our plan?
These answers made me realize that deep in my aching heart, my husband said all the exact things he was supposed to say to make this whole situation okay. I was liberated from 18 months of pain. And I cried right at the dinner table in the middle of the restaurant. Happiest tears I have cried in 18 months. I discovered a new layer in our marriage that comforted all my worries. It was a discussion that left me feeling more in love with this man than I ever thought would have ever been possible. I left that dinner thinking, if we never have another kid for the rest of our lives, my heart is full and I do not hurt indefinitely because of this loss.
I won the Powerball that night. I know why I am not pregnant yet, God wanted this to happen to my marriage. God wanted to tighten this bond that I have with my best friend. God, wanted to remind me: I won the Powerball, already – I have my husband. He will fill any void in my life. I trust that.
Lord, we rest our faith in your hands. You are the creator of all things, all life. We await the miracle you may or may not give us again, one day. Until then, Lord, we thank you and praise you all day, every day for all the good we are and have in our lives because of you. We do not hunger. We do not thirst. And we are overflowing with love. You fill us. Lord, you make us complete. We do not yearn and we await patiently for your plan for us.
Many Blessings and Cheers, Jax
à la optimism 