{One Year Ago}

No joke, my Keurig died this morning. If you know me – you know that I rode the struggle bus to work lacking the 1% of my daily intake of caffeine that actually gets my ass out of the door in the morning. It’s the 9+ hours at work where I really pump the veins full of dark roast, extra bold acidity.

Bitter.

Yes. Today is quite bitter. The loss of the Keurig was rough, but what was even crazier was waking up remembering this exact morning one year ago.

I was in and out of the nursing home for six days. I had left the night of the 14^th after spending nights by his bedside with aunts, uncles and truly amazing cousins. I needed the rest. I needed the comfort and smell of home. Hospice was beautifully exhausting. Really, I need to sleep. So I did. I slept hard, surprisingly.

On the morning of the 15^th I woke up, walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. As I walked away to let the water warm up I said to myself, “I don’t need a shower. I need to just go.”

I threw a hat on to cover the grease ball head of mine and ran down the stairs where Tyler had a cup of coffee and my phone waiting for me. He said, “Your aunt just called.” I gave the boys kisses and ran out the door.

As I jumped in the car and pulled out of the driveway I called her back. She said, “Things are looking close. You should come now.” I told her I was on my way.

Here, I waited for a week by his side, anticipating the moment that he would finally meet God – and now I am stuck in morning rush hour traffic on my way to his bedside for the last time.

Although I wasn’t super close with my dad, I feel like he has been with me more in the last year than the previous five. There are times where I find myself thinking about him and I don’t see the pain and suffering that I was so used to seeing on his weary face. Those moments and happy thoughts are far more pleasant than the guilt and sadness that I often felt for him while he was alive. There is a peaceful comfort that has entered my life since last year. A guardian angel has been with me. God has given him wings and I know he is with me every day.

One year ago, prompted by my cousin Kelly, I made the decision to ride in the Bike MS: TOYOTA Best Dam Bike Ride. Tyler’s cousin Sara rode with me. She rocked it. And her support was much appreciated. Funny how the event takes place the first weekend of August. Last year the ride started on August 2, ironically, Dad’s birthday. This year we will finish our 100+ mile ride on August 2. I don’t think I could have planned that better knowing that I will need his strength to dig deep and finish strong.

Join me by clicking here. Ride with me. Donate to MS and help find a cure.

Read Dad’s obituary here.

Read the eulogy I read at his funeral here.

Many Blessings and Cheers, Jax

{I Won the Powerball}

I feel rich. I feel full of life. I feel possibly the most motivated I have felt in a long time. My brain feels satisfied. My career feels like it is moving forward, in the right direction. I have a family vacation booked for less than a month away. The smell spring, new life, and longer days is so close I can touch it. I use to say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I can say there is no tunnel. My world is full of luster and hope. I still get my lows, hence the blank space between the last post and now. Things were written but I don’t see the need to share them quite yet. I don’t want to rain on any parades. I want to constantly remind myself that life is good. God is good. There is ALWAYS a rainbow after the storm; it’s up to me to find it. My heart has not felt this full in a long time, and it feels like new. That’s why I am telling you, people, I won the Powerball.

I have often thought during these last 18 months of waiting, that there has got to be a reason things are not happening the way I want them to. God knows best… maybe I am sick. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe someone I know is sick. Maybe Sal will need more attention than we know soon enough. Maybe something will happen and it will hit me in the face and I will say, “I get it – I know why I am not pregnant, yet!”

It happened.

I probably had one of my lowest lows in January with this whole baby{less} thing. Knowing that we were opening ourselves up to seeing the doctor and figuring things out… I was probably the most hopeful I had been in a while. Maybe because I was sure something was wrong, or maybe because we were finally able to see our favorite doctor in the history of doctors, the one that was with us for Sal’s pregnancy and delivery, but mostly because I thought I would get answers. I did get some answers, and they were great – for the most part, I am well. But of course, there are always more tests and more ways to see why… why no baby… and there will continue to be if we go down that route.

All in all, I felt good. I felt like this was THE month. And the red signal was late. So I REALLY thought: This. Was. The. Month. But then, the red signal came. And there was no baby. And frustration, to the max, swarmed over me.

We sat at my birthday dinner, just Tyler and I, looking at each other with wonder. What’s next? How far are we willing to go for this baby we don’t have yet? How much are we willing to spend? What are the extents that we will reach to make this happen? When is enough, enough? How much longer will we put life on “hold” for pregnancy and newborns stages? What emotional capacity do with have for this journey? What is our plan?

These answers made me realize that deep in my aching heart, my husband said all the exact things he was supposed to say to make this whole situation okay. I was liberated from 18 months of pain. And I cried right at the dinner table in the middle of the restaurant. Happiest tears I have cried in 18 months. I discovered a new layer in our marriage that comforted all my worries. It was a discussion that left me feeling more in love with this man than I ever thought would have ever been possible. I left that dinner thinking, if we never have another kid for the rest of our lives, my heart is full and I do not hurt indefinitely because of this loss.

I won the Powerball that night. I know why I am not pregnant yet, God wanted this to happen to my marriage. God wanted to tighten this bond that I have with my best friend. God, wanted to remind me: I won the Powerball, already – I have my husband. He will fill any void in my life. I trust that.

Lord, we rest our faith in your hands. You are the creator of all things, all life. We await the miracle you may or may not give us again, one day. Until then, Lord, we thank you and praise you all day, every day for all the good we are and have in our lives because of you. We do not hunger. We do not thirst. And we are overflowing with love. You fill us. Lord, you make us complete. We do not yearn and we await patiently for your plan for us.

Many Blessings and Cheers, Jax

{One Down, Five to Go}

I have always thoroughly enjoyed being part of a huge family. Big families mean big parties. And who doesn’t love a big party? Maybe this is why I am so good at partying. {Pause for laughter.} And to me, that’s what Christmas is all about. Big parties! Spending time with family and friends, playing games, having a few beverages, catching up on all the delightful and not-so-delightful stories of the year, and of course, enjoying the Christmas spirit. Not only did I come from a big family, I was lucky enough to marry into one, too! Double the fun, if you ask me.

Some would say I am cursed when I say we have six Christmases in the span of a few days. Yes, six. Although, I don’t think it is all that uncommon anymore for people to be driving around town from sun up to sun down in the span of a few days. Most people will do whatever it takes to celebrate the many parties in the name of this wonderful time of the year. I guess they say: the more, the merrier? Maybe not so much for my husband, also nicknamed the DD in my house, and I don’t mean “Big Breasts” or “Darling Daughter” because we all know I, unfortunately, lack both. But what I don’t lack are drinking pants. I put those babies on, times two, for Christmas. Especially the night of the 23^rd when Peeps busts out the wine. It seems that I never see the bottom of the glass on the 23^rd.

Last year, I remember waking up the morning of the 24^th lying in bed looking down at my clothes, same ones I went to the Christmas party in the night before. No covers on. Jewelry and makeup still in place. And shoes, right where I put them when I left the house: on my feet. It was like 7 am and I was fully dressed and ready to go for the day, wearing exactly what I wore last night. Let’s just say I told Tyler a couple of times throughout that night that I should not hold the baby. {Remember that one? You have only had too much to drink when you can’t hold the baby?} It was a fun night to say the least.

This year, we had our first Christmas on Saturday with Tyler’s mom. Some card playing, wine drinking with a delicious sit down dinner, and of course an abundance of gifts. It was a blast. Sal was very into it and although I loved all the cute clothes he got the most, he was more than jacked about the toddler kitchen set!

Christmas is here. One down, five to go. And now unfortunately, Tyler is out for the count. Fever, chills, and aches. So far he has been resting for the last 12 hours but let’s cross our fingers that this sickness doesn’t creep into ruin his Christmas. I am bound and determined to make this Christmas a great one!

I hope your Christmas is a healthy and happy one. Or six, if you have a family like mine.  Enjoy your family and friends. Enjoy this beautiful season of Jesus’s birth. The magic of Christmas is not just about the presents, but HIS presence. Peace be with you and God bless you and your family. From ours to yours: Have yourself a very Merry Christmas 

Many Blessings and Cheers, Jax

A Month of Thanksgiving Day 1

What a great way to start à la optimism blog.  I hope to be of inspiration and a positive influence to readers, but I also think it would be advantageous to share some personal things about myself so you know who I am.  This month will be up close and personal.  After that, I can promise I won’t bore you with my entire personal life’s details.  

I hope that this November finds you happy and healthy.  I encourage you to take time this month and dedicate a little time, each day, reflecting on the many blessings of your life.  I would love for you to share them with me, too!  If you are sharing them – let me know how I can follow along.  

I am thankful for God’s gift of life. 

I grew up a practicing Catholic.  I remember hating that my mom would make us get up and dressed for church on Sunday morning… {One of TWO days I had opportunity to sleep in.}  I look back now and am very thankful that she enforced our religious upbringing.  I lack in the church attending area today {feeling guilty} and the Bible app on my phone has seen little use lately.  But this does not make me any less thankful than the next person for God’s unfolding gift that I am living each and every day I am alive.  Every day I am reminded I cannot do this on my own as I am faced with obstacles.  I know I need God to guide me in this life.  In the silver lining, this crazy, stressful, sometimes sad and full-of-struggles life is a damn good one.  I am so happy it is mine and I will continue to praise Him every day for this gift. 

Today, I am thankful for God’s gift of Life.

Many Blessings and Cheers, Jax

Related articles

• Taking Time to Be Grateful (loristillman.wordpress.com)
• 10 reasons to love November (examiner.com)

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